July 18, 2011
Last night was full of wild dreams. I should make a point of keeping a tablet by my bedside table so I can write them down immediately when I wake. I try to fall asleep as early as possible lately … without any prescribed medication. I’ve learned that if I don’t dream, my subconscious is compromised in communicating it’s dreaming process.
So, last night, I finally fell asleep at about 4 pm. I made a point of getting together a routine for bedtime. I finally fell asleep before dawn and dreaming very strangely. Floating family characters pervaded the dreams, with spiritual afflictions. Others were withered and lost. I was cleaning out mom & dad’s home. They all seemed to come out of the walls and woodwork. It became a horror show after awhile. It was a fight to purge some seriously afflicted from an odd quest and hidden agendas. Once the struggling stopped … the game plan changed to understanding the nature of the illnesses and keeping their toxicity out of our environment.
As I woke up I thought to myself how July 19th was my father’s birthday. I thought about his funeral and how beautiful it was, but how much unnecessary drama permeated out it. I thought about how the drama kept people away who would have wished to be there for it, for him. I thought about how sad I was about it.
Through the fog of waking up, a message came clear through:
The message was, “Those who came cared.”
April 10, 2011
I feel I’m falling asleep & a fog lifts …
I feel a sense of being sore and bruised. It’s a deep aching feeling that digs deep into my essence. I feel it into my marrow, my muscles & every molecule of my self. I decide see a doctor that I’ve seen in the past when I had fallen and broken my ankle on a film set. He was an osteopathic doctor & he was excellent and considered the best in our area. He had white and salt & pepper hair and kind blue eyes. He would tell you when you needed physical rehabilitation. This is who I would drive over to see. I get into the driver seat of my SUV and turn the ignition. I back out of the driveway and head out on the road.
As I drive down my street, I remind myself to call my father. As I pick up the phone and rest it on my ear, I realize it is a big blue retro phone like from the 1960’s. My wakeful self recognizes it as a retro phone but also that it’s a phone I had seen in passing on TV while channel surfing. (Of course, I had to surf the internet for even more recognition when I woke up)
“Hi Dad? How are you?” … (OMG I’m actually phoning my father! How can this be? If I knew it were so easy, I’d be phoning the other side more often!)
“Hi Cindy!” I hear my father’s voice like he always would answer the phone when he was alive. I can hear the strength and tenor in his voice. Is is possible I could recall the sound of his voice so clearly? This must be real! He would always be happy to hear from me. I wanted to drive over to just spend time with him … just some extra time. Moments within moments …
“Dad, I’m not feeling so well. I’m feeling bruised and broken. It’s like I’m sore inside & out. I’m going to the doctor to see what’s wrong. I don’t know why I feel like this. I always thought I was so much stronger.”
“Cindy, It’s gonna be okay.” Dad says, “Go see the doctor and trust yourself.
I remember not just his words, but the way he says them … “Cindy, It’ll be okay.”
I put down the big blue phone and turn onto a busy street. I finally get to the doctor’s offices. As I’m walking across the parking lot, I look down at my feet. I’m walking oddly. It hurts. I realize I’m wearing the cute retro sandals I bought while shopping with my daughter several years ago. They are brown leather, with wooden soles. They can be cumbersome. My left sandal is put on upside down so that I’m walking on the tops of the shoe and the wooden sole if facing upwards toward the sky. I look up at the sky and realize it is gray and overcast. I sigh … I don’t feel I know how to fix this problem and figure the best thing is to just get in to see the doctor.
I open the glass door and walk into the offices and check in with the receptionist. I sit down to wait … and wait. It seems like a minute is a million minutes, so I begin searching for my doctor. I go through an open area where an older woman on a walker asks me if I have seen her doctor. I feel like I should help her. I find someone & ask them please help this woman find her doctor? But I don’t think she ever found her doctor either.
I decide to leave, feeling somewhat better that at least I arrived and signed in & hoped that my doctor would see that I did sign in, and I waited to see him … maybe he got lost. But I am feeling better I think.
I walk back outside to find a downpour of raining. The clouds are not mean or stormy … they’re gray with breakthroughs of light and you can see through to the clouds in places. I could say ‘Oh, now what?’ … but I don’t. It actually doesn’t feel that bad. It feels light and not too warm … not cold either. Then I look at the parking lot I need to cross in order to get to my car. It’s turned into a river of water flowing fast in front of me. I can step off into its depths and walk through it, but I remember I have my shoes on. They will hold me back, they’re wood and leather. I think to myself I’m at a stopping point or a place where I decide.
I decide to take off my shoes and step off into the depth of the water.
I walk through it.
I’m get to my car and I’m just fine.
And then, I wake up.